


My Fault

by absurdle



Series: The Meaning of it All [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Adams is a professor, Alex misses John, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bit of Fluff, Crying, Depressing, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John is dead, Lies, Lots of it, M/M, My first fic, Past Relationship(s), Sad, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Thomas and Alex are friends, Thomas is sad, Twitter, adams is an asshole, alex tries to be nice™, forgive me lin, im sorry, its a sad one, its lams, james is sad, jk just my first posted, lafayette is everyone's mom, no happy endings here, no one knows if herc and laf are dating or not, sappy in the beginning, theyre all students
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 07:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12076824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absurdle/pseuds/absurdle
Summary: Everything came crashing down. First a rude tweet was made about James. Then Tomas was framed for it. Now Thomas is teaming up with Alexander in hopes of finding the true culprit and getting James to love him again. But it doesn't happen as quickly as they would like, and soon Thomas is questioning his own innocence. His own existence. And James doesn't believe Thomas. Can the figure out whose fault it really was before it's too late?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey just a little teaser before I get the first chapter out. ;)

James doesn't want to remember why he is alone.  
He doesn't want to remember why he is living by himself.  
He doesn't want to remember why he cries at night.  
He doesn't want to remember why he is always cold.  
He doesn't want to remember the reason the one he loved took his own life.  
He doesn't want to remember finding his body on the bathroom floor.  
He doesn't want to remember the coldness of his hands.  
He doesn't want to remember the lie.  
He doesn't want to remember that it's really his fault. It's his fault that Thomas is dead.  
He didn't want to remember, yet here he is.


	2. Thomas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas Jefferson opens the door to his shared dorm on Friday night, 6:01 p.m., and it feels like a weight is lifted off his chest. He is finally home from work. He can finally see James.  
> But Thomas doesn't expect to see the figure of his roommate crying on his bed, curled up underneath thick blankets, face lit with the light of an iPhone screen and all the lights turned off. James turns to Thomas as soon as he walks in. His beautiful face is red and tear-stained.  
> "Thomas-" he cries out, voice cracking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I'm home sick so FANFICS  
> This right here is how everything began. Please note: since all my siblings are at school this wasn't proof-read by anyone but myself. And it's also kinda my first fic.  
> Please enjoy!

Thomas Jefferson opens the door to his shared dorm on Friday night, 6:01 p.m., and it feels like a weight is lifted off his chest. He is finally home from work. He can finally see James.  
But Thomas doesn't expect to see the figure of his roommate crying on his bed, curled up underneath thick blankets, face lit with the light of an iPhone screen and all the lights turned off. James turns to Thomas as soon as he walks in. His beautiful face is red and tear-stained.  
"Thomas-" he cries out, voice cracking. Thomas feels like someone stabbed him. He rushes to James, dropping all of the bags he was carrying. His only concern is James. _Is he okay?_  
Thomas climbs onto the bed and wraps his arms around James, pulling him into his embrace. He's shaking. _What happened?_  
"What happened, baby?" Thomas asks, voice laced with concern.  
James doesn't reply; he melts into Thomas' embrace and cries into his shoulder, body racking with sobs. It hurts Thomas' heart to see James like this.   
"Shh, you're okay, I'm right here," Thomas comforts, stroking James' back. James holds onto Thomas tightly, as if he's the only thing holding James together.  
As They sit like this, Thomas only Thinks about what's wrong. _What could've shaken James this much?_ He doesn't ask, though. This goes on, James curled up against Thomas, until 6:39. Then Thomas again asks,  
"What happened, Jemmy?"  
James sniffs, but doesn't make a move to talk. Thomas feels his heart ache. He gently cups James' face with his hand, making James look at him.  
"You talk when you're ready, okay?" Thomas says, pressing a kiss to James forehead. James nods slowly, and takes a deep breath. He reaches for his phone and turns it on. The light illuminates James' face, and Thomas can see wet tracks of tears sparkling on his cheeks. James continues tapping on his phone, and Thomas watches intently.  
James inhales sharply, then hands the phone to Thomas. Thomas looks at the screen. It's opened on photos to a screenshot taken at 5:29. It's a twitter post, Thomas recognizes, which reads,  
 _Oh my god, you need to get a life. You literally just cling to your rich boyfriend and pretend to love him. We all know you just want fucking money. Get a life, faggot._  
"Bullshit," Thomas hisses, anger boiling inside him. _Why would someone write this? How could anyone think this about James? James is the sweetest person ever, and he absolutely doesn't just care about money. He cares about me, and I care about James.  
How could I let this happen to him?_  
"None of that is true," Thomas says, softening his tone. He hands the phone back to James, pain filling his heart. "You know that, right?"  
James nods, but tears begin falling from his eyes again.  
"But it hurts so much," he cries, looking up at Thomas helplessly. He swears that every time James cries something inside him breaks.  
"I know," Thomas says, pulling James back into his arms. James cries again, and Thomas comforts him while mentally cursing the person who posted the comment.  
 _How dare anyone say that to my James?_  
Thomas looks at the clock on the nightstand nearby. 6:52. _Maybe I can fix this._  
"Jemmy," he whispers. James looks up at him, tears still glistening in his eyes.  
"Since tonight's been hard for you, do you wanna go out somewhere?"  
James sniffs. "Where?"  
Thomas grins affectionately. "Wherever you want."  
James giggles. Thomas admires how adorable he is.  
"You know that I love you, right?" Thomas says as James begins to pull himself out of the blanket burrito he'd wrapped himself in. He beams up at Thomas, and everything seems to get a bit better.  
"Of course," James replies, wrapping his arms around Thomas' neck as they stand up. Thomas puts his arms around James' waist in return and presses a kiss to his lips, affection overwhelming his previous emotions.  
"Good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it is fluffy. Told ya there's fluff in the beginning and lots of it. But do it fret, we shall get to angst soon.  
> Please point out any errors and I will be sure to fix them!  
> Thank you for reading! <3


	3. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By 7:13, James and Thomas have left the house, and hit the road. The car radio is playing quietly in the background, and the city lights flash brightly as they drive. This distracts James from the events from beforehand. James looks up at Thomas, heart warm with affection.  
> "So, anywhere you wanna go?"
> 
> Basically they go out for ice cream and James gets sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update!! I've been editing this forever since I wrote this (and other chapters) ages ago. And my sister never made time to proof-read it, so it's been put off a lot. Sincerest apologies! Without further ado, another sappy happy chapter.

By 7:13, James and Thomas have left the house, and hit the road. The car radio is playing quietly in the background, and the city lights flash brightly as they drive. This distracts James from the events from beforehand. James looks up at Thomas, heart warm with affection.  
"So, anywhere you wanna go?" Thomas asks as he takes a left turn.  
"I dunno, ice cream?" James replies.  
Thomas laughs, the sound strong and melodic.   
"I don't think there are any places called 'ice cream,'" he says, raising an eyebrow.  
James rolls his eyes.  
"You know what I mean," he says, pouting slightly. Thomas laughs again, this time softer. James feels a bit warmer when he hears it.  
James notices an A La Mode ahead, and he smiles, knowing where he wants to go.  
"Can we go to A La Mode?" He asks, grinning wider.  
Thomas looks at the shop, and the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile.  
"That's where you wanna go?" He asks, a teasing tone in his voice.  
"Yes!" James confirms. He feels his face heat up.  
"Okay..."  
James gives Thomas puppy eyes, knowing he can't say no to that.  
"Aww, Jemmy. You know that's my weakness," Thomas whines defeatedly.  
"And that's why I'm using it."  
"Then A La Mode it is!" Thomas announces.  
"Yes!" James cheers, throwing his hands in the air in victory. Thomas laughs again and pulls into the parking lot, parking the car.  
"Thank you so much!" James sings.  
"Of course," Thomas says, a sweet smile in his face. His brown eyes sparkle in the city light, and it's the most beautiful thing James has ever seen. He leans over and presses a gentle kiss to Thomas' cheek before they get out of the car.   
As they walk inside, Thomas takes James' hand and squeezes it. James grins, blush forming on his face.  
"What do you want?" Thomas asks as they walk inside, squeezing James' hand again. James smiles thankfully, assuming Thomas will order for him. He likes when Thomas does the talking, since James is shy and would rather avoid social contact in general.  
"Small cookies and cream on a regular cone," James replies.  
"Small?" Thomas raises an eyebrow.  
"C'mon, smalls are huge nowadays and you know it," James argues, blush consuming his face yet again.  
"Okay, then. Small it is."  
Thomas leans against the counter and orders James' cookies and cream, as well as a mint chocolate chip for himself. James smiles to himself. _What would I do without him?_  
The cashier tells Thomas the price, and Thomas pulls out his wallet. James immediately feels a nagging feeling in the back of his head, like a thread pulling at his soul. He thinks back to the tweet. He just clings to his rich boyfriend...  
"Hey, Thomas, I'll pay for mine," James says, putting his hand on Thomas' arm.  
"No," Thomas says. "You don't have to, darlin'. I gotcha covered." He winks at James, and though James finds it extremely attractive- he even blushes more- he still feels thick shame.  
"Are you sure? I really don't mind-"  
"Of course I'm sure. I've got plenty of money for the both of us."  
"Thomas-"  
But Thomas is already handing the cashier his credit card. James feels shame fall over him like a heavy blanket. _Thomas is trying to treat me, and I'm busy thinking about how I didn't paid for my own ice cream. I'm so pitiful._  
"Hey," Thomas says, breaking James out of his train of thought. He's holding both cones of ice cream. James takes his cone without looking at Thomas, muttering short thank you. He then quickly tips the cashier before following Thomas outside to sit down.  
It's dark outside, only lit by the lights from the shop and street lamps. But James can see the stars sparkling in the sky against the darkness, fighting against the dark for a chance to shine.  
"What's wrong?" Thomas asks immediately after they sit. It's as if he can read James' mind. James shakes his head.  
"I should've paid," he replies disappointedly. He hangs his head.  
"Jemmy, its okay, really," Thomas says. "I never mind paying for you." James still feels the tears from earlier threatening to return.  
"I just want to prove I can take care of myself and don't need to cling to you for everything," he argues, using that specific word from the tweet. Cling.  
"Oh, baby," Thomas sighs, putting his arm around James' shoulders. "I know you can take care of yourself. You don't need to prove it. And I enjoy taking care of you."   
James smiles. Somehow, Thomas always know what to say to make James feel better. Another reason why I love him.  
"And we're done crying for now, m'kay?"  
James nods and leans into Thomas happily.  
"I love you, TJ," James says, thanking Thomas.   
"Love you too, Jem," Thomas replies, placing a soft kiss on James' head. "Now finish your ice cream before it melts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa my boys being lovey-dovey. I literally cannot write happy things so yeah.  
> Thanks for all of the kudos and comments! They brighten my day <3  
> I'll try to update every week, but who knows.  
> Until next time, my friends.


	4. Thomas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'd gotten home late, by their standards. 10:06 p.m. Thomas had assumed, after a night out and ice cream, that James would pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was surprised that James hadn't even begun to drift off yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! A whole lotta editing went into this and my sister, despite having to wait ages for her to finally proof read it, barely had any corrections to make :D   
> Please enjoy!

10:10 p.m.  
Thomas feels James snuggle close to him as the couple lay on the bed. He wraps his arms around the smaller man's body, a loving warmth engulfing his heart.   
James is cold, Thomas notices. He remembers A long time ago, he'd promised James to always keep him warm. He pulls James closer to him, resting his chin on James' head; an attempt to warm up his boyfriend's smaller frame.  
They'd gotten home late, by their standards. 10:06 p.m. Thomas had assumed, after a night out and ice cream, that James would pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was surprised that James hadn't even begun to drift off yet.   
"Tommy," James whispers, voice soft and sweet. It breaks Thomas out of his train of thought. "Thank you."  
Thomas smiles. "Of course, baby. Anything for you," He replies, lightly stroking James' back out of habit.  
"Seriously. Thank you so much for everything. I don't know where I'd be without you." James snuggles closer against Thomas, if possible.  
Thomas' heart flutters with fondness. _I'm so lucky to have James._  
Thomas presses a kiss to James' head.  
"Thank you, James. I don't know where I'd be without you either."  
James buries his head in Thomas' chest, and a soft quiet lingers for several seconds. Then James whispers, "I love you."  
The warmth in Thomas' chest overflows, which, honestly, happens every time James says those words, but Thomas never seems to get tired of it.  
"I love you too, Jemmy. More than anyone or anything else in the universe." Thomas holds James tighter, trying to fill up all the small space still in between them.  
"Really?" James blushes slightly, but the warm glow is barely visible in the dark.  
"Of course."  
"Even more than mac and cheese?"  
Thomas grins at the mention of his favorite food. "Way more than mac and cheese."  
Then, for a while, it's just the two of them, holding each other on Thomas' bed. And Thomas wants to stay that way forever, happy and peaceful. _Together._

10:25 p.m.  
Suddenly James chokes out a sob, and Thomas feels his heart shatter in a million pieces like a mirror getting smashed by a mallet.  
"Jemmy?" Thomas' heart pounds faster with concern.  
"Why, Thomas? Why would someone do that? Why would someone say that?" James says through tears.  
Thomas wants to know why. He wants to know so he can tell James why and he wants make sure no one ever says anything like that to James ever again. Because it's hurting James. And Thomas needs to fix it.  
"I don't know, love. They're just assholes with nothing better to do."  
"But why?"  
"Sometimes It makes people feel stronger to see that they've brought people down."  
"Why, why, why, whywhywhy?" James sobs.  
"I wish I knew," He says honestly.  
James looks so hopeless, tears staining his face, eyes red from crying, curled up into a ball against Thomas. He holds onto James even tighter, because he looks like he's going to fall apart or shatter like a glass vase hitting the ground. And Thomas doesn't want that.  
Thomas finds himself crying as well; because it hurts him to see James like this. James is letting those words get to him and cut him open. And its painful for Thomas to watch. _Why would someone do this to James? He doesn't deserve anything like this. He needs love, comfort, protection. Not this._  
Thomas can't stand to see James so hurt; he promises he'll never let anything like this happen again.  
 _If you say anything of this sort to James ever again, the Rich Boyfriend will make you regret it._  
Thomas needs everything to stop. He needs to stop James' bleeding, His crying, His pain.  
So Thomas sings. He sings all of the songs he can think of, from Heathers to the Beatles. It always helps calm them both. Thomas doesn't even consider himself to be the best singer. He just wants to help James.  
Sure enough, after several songs, James slowly begins to quiet. Soon he's just coughing and wiping his wet eyes on Thomas' shirt.  
"Sing that one song," James says quietly, his voice quivering.  
"What song?"  
"You know what I'm talking about." Despite the darkness, Thomas can see James blush.  
Thomas smiles. There is a certain song that he always sings, one that they'd both heard while watching a movie. One that they'd fallen in love with. One that they can both sing by heart. One that comforts them.  
"Come stop your crying, It will be alright," he begins to sing.  
"Just take my hand And hold it tight." James relaxes into Thomas, and Thomas holds James comfortingly.  
"I will protect you  
From all around you  
I will be here  
Don't you cry  
For one so small,  
You seem so strong  
My arms will hold you,  
Keep you safe and warm  
This bond between us  
Can't be broken  
I will be here  
Don't you cry  
'Cause you'll be in my heart  
Yes, you'll be in my heart  
From this day on  
Now and forever more  
You'll be in my heart  
No matter what they say  
You'll be here in my heart  
Always"  
Thomas looks down at James. His features are relaxed; he looks to be content and peaceful. Thomas assumes he's asleep, but continues to sing regardless.  
"Why can't they understand the way we feel  
They just don't trust what they can't explain  
I know we're different, but deep inside us  
We're not that different at all  
And you'll be in my heart  
Yes you'll be in my heart  
From this day on  
Now and forever more  
Don't listen to them  
'Cause what do they know  
We need each other, to have, to hold  
They'll see in time, I know  
When destiny calls you, you must be strong  
I may not be with you  
But you got to hold on  
They'll see in time, I know  
We'll show them together  
'Cause you'll be in my heart  
Believe me you'll be in my heart  
I'll be there from this day on  
Now and forever more  
You'll be in my heart  
No matter what they say  
You'll be here in my heart  
Always  
Always I'll be with you  
I'll be there for you always  
Always and always  
Just look over your shoulder  
Just look over your shoulder  
Just look over your shoulder  
I'll be there  
Always"  
Thomas kisses James softly, careful not to wake him. He closes his eyes, letting tiredness consumes him. He thinks to the last words of the song.  
 _Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa sad James poor baby.  
> Also TARZAN that's right boiz. The time when I originally wrote this I had recently watched Tarzan and I was like HOLY SHIZZLE so yeah.  
> Thank you so much for reading!! And thank you to for the kudos and comments, they make my day!

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy this is gonna be a long journey.


End file.
